Daddy ball and bad behavior: In defense of parents

 

Parents as fans

Mike Matheny, former MLB player and manager of the St. Louis Cardinals up until recently, famously authored a "manifesto" in 2009 for his parents while he was coaching a youth team. In the manifesto, he laid out for the parents the principles by which he was going to manage his team. If you haven't read it, you should. It's a brief, excellent read and can be found here. It was later expanded into a book. In our view, one of the most important points he made in his manifesto was the idea that "this is ALL about the boys." We view this as the absolute key for parents in coaches in all youth sports. But this seemingly simple point - that the sport is all about the children playing - is exceedingly nuanced.

First, and quite obviously, there are numerous valuable lessons for children to learn from youth sports and some of those lessons may conflict with one another. While it may be a good for a child to get some experience playing a specific position from time to time, it may also be a good experience for the same child to have to earn his time at that position as he or she works towards a goal. We as parents should seek to balance that and realize that being given a position on the field, in the batting order, or in the pitching rotation without earning it may not necessarily be the best experience for the player.

Second,  a good opportunity for one child may conflict with the same good opportunity  for one of their teammates. In youth baseball, there might be as many as 10-15 kids on a single team. Especially at the younger ages, many of these kids are getting some of the first extensive experiences in baseball. It can be very difficult as a parent to realize what the right opportunities are for your child, especially when weighed against the coach trying to afford similar, beneficial experiences to all the players. Parents need to understand that these opportunities should be balanced across an entire season. That means prime opportunities may not go to each child every weekend and it certainly doesn't mean these opportunities should be divided equally. Additionally, parents should understand that some of these experiences may come in practice and/or scrimmages.

Third, someone has to hit last in the order or sit on the bench. Parents should realize that its okay for their child not to be the star player on every team they play on. Likewise there are times when seeking out a team on which your child can be a star player may also be a valuable experience. Parents need to be willing to accept that being the last player on a team is not a comment against their child or their parenting. In addition, these situations should be turned into a motivational experience for the parent and child. Not every child has a future as a high school, collegiate, or professional baseball player. That doesn't mean their youth baseball experience can't be incredibly rewarding.

One area where we have a slight disagreement with Matheny is when he suggests parents need to be a "silent source of encouragement." While we agree, parents should be focused on supporting rather than criticizing their child, we see no reason that support should be silent at games. His argument is that vocal support from parents, particularly at games, "just adds more pressure to the kids." We are not convinced this is true. Rather we believe parents should be vocal, obviously within reason, with their support of their child.

 

 

Parents as coaches

"Daddyball" is a term used to describe the situation in which a coach favors his or her own child to the detriment of other children on the team. One potential solution to this issue is to not have parents coaches at all, but rather paid "professional" coaches. We have heard and discussed this with numerous teams and programs throughout the state, and very often hear the avoidance of daddyball as the reason for paid coaches. At least for youth baseball, these coaches are generally young men, former players at the collegiate, minor league/semipro level, or even some with major league experience. Their experience is invaluable and generally greater than that of most parent-coaches, although we acknowledge there are numerous parent coaches who have also played at the collegiate or pro level.

One common limitation we have observed in these scenarios, however, is that these men generally do not have children of their own, or they have kids who went through the youth baseball circuit many years ago. Very often these coaches have little idea how to relate to grade school and middle school aged boys. They have little insight into what these kids are interested in (Fortnite, anyone?), what their school and extracurricular activity life looks like, or what other pressures and time constraints exist on their families, especially those families with multiple children. Further, many of these professional coaches exhibit behaviors  - chewing tobacco, cursing, etc. - that may not be appropriate for the youngest players to be around.

Another limitation is that these professional coaches may not be as interested in the individual child's development nearly as much as the parent. This can be both a positive and a negative. As a positive, it means the professional coach may not be focused on or interested in individual opportunities that might come at the detriment of the team. As a negative, the coach may not get his fulfillment from seeing a child reach their full potential with different opportunities, but rather be more focused on winning games. This can, in turn, lead to frequent roster turnover as the coach seeks out or recruits better perceived talent, or players/parents become frustrated with their experience.

Our own experience has as a parent-coach has been that we can focus on long-term outcomes for the boys. As a parent, I am not particularly interested in my son's win-loss record at age 8, 9, 10, etc. I am much more interested in his development as a baseball player, athlete, and person. By extension, I am much more interested in those same outcomes for all the boys on our team. Being a parent and having that perspective allows us to arrange our practices, our lineups, and our schedules accordingly.

We readily admit that not all coaches and parents share our viewpoints. One only need to do a google search for "daddyball" to find horror stories of parents and kids who experiences were ruined by coaches who either did, or gave the appearance, that they were favoring coaches' kids. We didn't write this section to state that either professional coaches or parent coaches were a better option over the other. Our opinion, however, is that the term "daddyball" has become overused by parents to describe the situation in which they perceive that a parent coach is favoring their own child over the non-coach's kid. This term may be used even when there are valid reasons for a child to be playing less, batting lower in the order, not pitching, or playing less ideal positions.

 

 

In Defense of Parents

Generally speaking, parents love their children. They want the best for them and they know them better than adults who are not their parents. Speaking as a parent, it hurts to see your child want something badly, work for it, and fail. Sometimes our response is to lash out and blame others, such as coaches or the child. The parent might start openly speaking negatively about the coach to their child or to other parents. They might end up quitting or leaving the team all together. Recognizing this is done out of love for their child, however, is the first step towards improving this cycle. That does not mean this is the correct or advisable path parents should choose.

Very often parents may raise issues about playing time, position, or batting order, especially on the youth travel ball circuit. It leads players to routinely migrate to new teams and causes numerous teams to break up every season. Our own belief is that parents should be willing to have honest, frank, but respectful discussions with their coach. Those discussions should be focused on the child's development and how that can be incorporated into the team's larger goals. If after respectful discussion with the coach it appears an impasse has been reached, it is certainly reasonable to pursue other opportunities in an open an honest manner.

Coaches should also understand that a position on their team may not necessarily be the right opportunity for every and all kids. Some parents may want their son to be the right fielder and hit last in the order on the best possible team their son can play for, whereas others may wish to pursue a less competitive team where there might be more opportunities for their child to play more key positions, pitch more, or bat higher in the order. Neither of these paths are wrong for the youth baseball player, especially at the younger ages. Coaches, parents or professional, should seek individual player development as their primary team goal, above all else at the youth levels. Coaches and parents need to work together to create an environment in which kids can gain the most valuable experiences.

Have thoughts? A horror story or a positive story? Disagree with us? Let us know in the comments.